Anger is an interesting emotion. It is one that everyone has felt at some point and we even deem necessary for certain situations.
I wanted to give you the definition of anger – A feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. This doesn’t feel good. You often hear people say they acted out of anger when referring to a situation that didn’t turn out well.
So why do we choose to be angry in some situations? The answer is that we think that is what we have to. We think there are certain situations where anger is the required response. Like, when someone says something offensive and not in line with your values there is this belief that the response needed is anger.
You need to be angry and stand up for what is right.
The truth is that anger isn’t necessary. You don’t have to be mad. You can still stand in your power and address a situation without it. In fact, using other emotions in these situations generally provides better results. We always have a choice.
Now as an adult you get to choose what to think, feel, and act but I want to offer another perspective to anger and how you can approach it.
There are other options
There are other options for you in any situation. There is not a hard rule that a particular situation requires you to be angry.
However, I want to be clear that anger isn’t bad. No moral value is tied to the emotion.
You can be mad if you choose to be. It doesn’t make it wrong.
There isn’t a reason to feel guilty or beat yourself up if you do get mad. Maybe you don’t like that you did and choose that the next time a similar situation arises you want to choose a different thought and emotion to handle it. That is much different than judging the fact that you were angry.
This post isn’t to tell you to never be mad again. This post is to let you know that you have other options available to you.
What is Anger
I gave you the definition of anger in the beginning of the post. It references anger as a feeling of annoyance, hostility, and displeasure. None of those particularly evoke the fluffy nice feeling inside. So what is it about anger that people think they need?
Power.
Anger can feel powerful to people. They want the power to help them in that particular moment. Victims will often come out of a situation and shift into anger. Anger helps them feel powerful and in control.
They are able to stand up for themselves through the energy of the anger.
Think about how anger shows up in your body. Ways it has been described is that it is hot, it spreads fast in your body, maybe your face gets flushed and your body tenses. It is an all-consuming emotion.
It gives a burst that is easy to react to. That reaction doesn’t always give the response that you want.
A victim may not want to choose love and compassion in their situation.
Some they may want to choose instead of anger is passionate, empowered, ardent, brave, centered, stern, or tenacious.
These emotions are going to feel different, maybe better, and allow the actions to come from a cleaner place.
Offense v Defense
Anger can be due to being on the offense or the defense.
There was a time that anger was very useful. Think back to the time of war when generals in the army would rally their troops and make speeches that would essentially anger them. They would talk about how they had been wronged and speak about the cause they were there for.
When you charging onto a battle field having a powerful emotion that can lead to quick intense action and response is useful. That is a time where you need it on the offense.
Anger is also a defense emotion. As a form of protection people will get mad to protect themselves. Choosing anger is a way to protect from feeling other emotions. It can be hard to be vulnerable so getting angry is easier.
Then there are times where you can be both offensive and defensive with anger.
If, you are choosing anger be aware of what you are choosing in that moment.
Others can experience it without you experiencing it
You don’t have to be angry if someone else is angry.
This is true if you are on the same side as the person or are opposed to them. You can stand for something without getting angry. Even when your best friend is angry about something you don’t have to choose to be.
They can feel it and react to it while you choose in that moment to show up in another way.
In your relationship when your significant other gets angry it can be hard to not match that emotion for some people. But, you don’t have to feel what they feel. The anger doesn’t jump out of their body into yours. A disagreement doesn’t have to be a battle.
You have the choice of what to think and feel in this moment.
Not Everything is a battle
I want to review particular situations that we often fuel by anger when it’s not necessary.
Cleaning your house once you’ve just had it and are fed up with the mess. Then you walk around huffing about how no one else picks up and the mess is always left to you. Cleaning the house doesn’t have to be an angry event. You can clean because you want a clean house. Put on some music and make it fun!
Setting boundaries in a relationship – you don’t have to put your foot down and be angry.
When your partner does something you don’t like you don’t have to get angry about it to let them know you don’t like it. This is a moment that compassion, peace, and patience may be better suited for. You can calmly let them know that recently they have been doing x and if they continue to do x then you will do y. They of course can continue doing x because as an adult that is their choice. You aren’t trying to control or force in this situation.
Ending a relationship doesn’t require you to get angry or upset. You don’t have to have a large reason. Some relationships reach their completion point and from a place of compassion and respect for yourself and for the other person you can end it.
Similarly leaving a job doesn’t require you to be angry and upset about what the job is. You can like your job and still want something different. There is no rule that you have to be disgruntled to leave.
Saying no doesn’t require anger. You can say no to doing things without the annoyance and anger behind it. If, it doesn’t fit in your schedule or fit what you want to do in life then you get to say no from a place of self-respect and compassion. It doesn’t have to mean a thing about the other person and them asking.
Think of a situation where people get mad. Maybe it’s getting the wrong order or when something doesn’t go their way. These are default responses but not always useful. What emotions could be used instead?
Final Note –
Anger has its time and place. By no means am I saying that you should never be angry in your life ever again. In fact you can choose to be angry in each of the situations that were reviewed. Just know that is what you are choosing.
There are other emotions out there that can get you the result your after from a cleaner space that feels better.
Need help wrangling in your anger or other emotions? Set up a 1:1 consultation by emailing me at melissa@melissagolas.com to see how I can help you.
