One thing that most people agree on is that you can’t change your past. You just have to come to terms with what it was.
Well I disagree.
Okay, maybe you can’t change the actual events and facts but that usually isn’t what we are talking about when telling the story of our past.
You talk about the hurt, disappointment or other ways you feel about that time in your life. You don’t tell the facts from a neutral place. We add adjectives and descriptors from our perspective.
This actually your interpretation of the past. Not what the past truly was.
Interpretation?
The proof that the story you have is an interpretation of your past is that others took part in those exact same moments and when they tell that story it would not be the same way you do.
Two people can experience the exact same thing and think and feel very differently about it. That is the only difference – the way that you think.
Currently, you have on interpretation of what your past is.
When did it happen?
I think it is worth noting that this process works for anytime in your past.
The simple definition of the past is that it already happened. It could be this morning, yesterday, last year, or 10 years ago. This concept is applicable to any point in your life that has already occurred.
There isn’t a specific amount of time you have to wait until you describe it as the past.
Reasons to Change Your Past
The story that you use for your past can affect how you live today.
A negative story about your past can be dragging down the actions you take.
How many times have you said that you can’t do something or just aren’t a certain way based on what you have always done?
You may even in those moments believe that to be true. But it isn’t factual and you don’t have to continue to be that way.
Common ways this shows up is through statements like these:
I’m a procrastinator.
I’m not a morning person.
I could never do that.
I’m just not they type of person that gets to have those things.
I’ve never been able to before so why would I be able to now.
I do xyz because of my childhood.
I know that when you say these things you really truly believe them. And right in that moment it is true to you. But it isn’t written in stone and doesn’t have to remain your truth.
That might have been what you believed yesterday and maybe what you’ve been saying for the past five years but today you can decide that it isn’t true at all and you are going to tell a different story.
Bad Does Not Equal Good
I’m certainly not saying that you take a trauma or a negative experience and remember it as positive. Or that you want to rewrite that portion.
I do want you to consider if you want to highlight that part of your story. The way I determine if I want to keep something part of my story is by asking two questions:
- Why am I keeping it part of my story?
- Is it serving me?
Depending on those answers is how I decide.
You don’t have to forget those parts.
But if highlighting them isn’t serving you then maybe you don’t tell it as part of the way you normally would describe your past. It doesn’t invalidate those events from occurring but you don’t have to carry the pain of them with you forward.
The story that I want you to look at is the default one you use. You know the one that you pull out to tell a new friend about your past when it comes to dating. Or what you tell a new significant other about your childhood. The one that you tell yourself when you starting a new endeavor.
Those stories can either help move you forward or keep you tied to your past.
Ways to Change Your Past
I already mentioned that the factual parts will always be there. That you won’t be able to change.
The interpretation of what happened is what you do have control of.
Nothing else has to change but the way you tell the story of your past.
I could easily tell two very different stories of my childhood.
One where my parents got divorced and my older brother started acting out and got the little attention that they gave us. That I then got two younger half sisters who were 5 and 7 years younger than me so my mom had to give them attention and then I had more responsibility with them. I had to do things for myself because everyone else was busy with their life. How I had to share a room with my two sisters and had no privacy even in high school. I could go on about that story and the not so great parts of my childhood.
Or I can tell a story that I had a childhood that taught me to be independent. I learned to rely on myself and find what I need on my own. I motivated myself to get good grades and excel at extracurriculars. I had moments with my family that were fun like the BBQs and parties we had at our home. I got to witness my sisters grow up and be there for them in ways I wouldn’t be able to if I was closer in age. My parents remarried and I instantly had a whole new set of family members.
The second story has a very different feeling to it when I tell it. It puts me in control of my life instead of being a victim of it.
Now I spent time in the first story especially through high school and the few years following it. It created a negative energy in my life. I still moved forward but with a heavy weight that wasn’t needed. I was bitter, disappointed, hurt and it showed in what was playing out in my life.
When I started shifting to the second story it became less about what happened and more about the way I can use it to my advantage. Nothing else had to change. No one had to do anything and the same events happened. It was the way I was telling the story of my past that helped me embrace it and use it for me instead of against me.
Final Notes –
Your past doesn’t define your future. Even if you have believe you have been the same way for many years you can tell a new story and continue to write a different one.
If you want help shifting the story you tell of your past set up a consultation with me here.