The holiday season comes every year and with it comes a lot of joy and cheer but it also brings for some the increased stress of spending time with family. Or for others the lack of family to be surrounded by.
Family is the big theme around the holidays.
It is the constant message of spending time with family is what is important. It’s not about what you are doing or getting but who you are spending it with.
This message is one we have received for a long time by society.
We envision this picturesque time of year where everything is happy and loving. It’s supposed to have a lot of feel good feelings.
There is a pressure out there to make that be what actually happens. When your reality is very different from that it doesn’t feel good.
Tense relationships or people you are uncomfortable around can be a really damper on your holiday.
So let’s talk about how you can not only survive the holiday season but thrive in it.
Expectations
In your mind you have an idea of how the holidays should go and the way you think it will go.
When those two differ, it creates a conflict in your mind.
It’s like the age-old conflict of knowing what you are “supposed to do” verse what you actually want to do.
This is the easiest place to make a shift for yourself on the holidays.
What would be different for you on the holiday if you just released the expectations? Could you go into the holiday being willing to accept it for what it is. Not put a comparison on it against what you think it ought to be.
Obligation
We speak of obligation like it’s the law.
You are obligated to see your family or invite everyone over. Thinking of things in terms of obligation is indicating that you don’t have a choice in the matter.
You have to spend time with family. It’s your obligation.
Thinking of anything in terms of you have to do it already starts to spoil your feelings around it.
Instead of feeling as if you are obligated consider if you want to.
There is no law that states you have to. That is a construct you are placing on yourself.
If, you are unable to change the “I should/have/need to” into “I want to” then it may be time to reconsider why you are choosing to spend time or doing that thing at all.
Difficult Family Members
You have now set your expectations and decided you want to spend time with these people.
That does not mean those people are going to behave accordingly.
The most common instances we hear of this are the judgmental sister in laws and condescending mother in laws.
Whomever that is in your life you can insert.
You will never be able to control them. It’d be wonderful if we could control people but the reality is we can’t.
What you do have control over is you. This doesn’t mean that you have to react in a way that agrees with those people.
But you probably already know a way they may act. You know if your sister-in-law is going to have something to say about the way you dressed the kids. Or your mother-in-law is going to have something to say about the dessert that you brought.
When they talk about you…
Whether it is something about what you did or are and you know it’s not true you don’t have to accept it. You also don’t have to argue it.
You could choose to think that their opinion is interesting and not make it mean anything about you.
When someone says something about me that I know is untrue I like to think that they are very confused. I don’t make it mean anything. I don’t try to correct them.
A fun way of doing this is to think of something outrageous – like someone saying you have bright green hair. You obvious don’t (if you do choose a vastly different color). No matter what someone says act is if that is what they said to you. Think about how you would feel and act if that were the case.
Is it true?
What often makes feel a lack of connection with someone is that we are focusing on what makes us different.
Instead see if you can find what you have in common. This can be difficult but see if there is anything you can find. Worst comes to worst you have that you are both human.
Another thing you can do is instead of finding dissention in what they are saying consider how it could be true.
How could they be right?
This opens your mind to consider their perspective. Finding a little bit of truth in what they say helps you be able to process it from a more neutral space.
Love
Love is my favorite way to address difficult people in general.
When you think someone shouldn’t say or act in a certain way you are really saying that they shouldn’t be what they actually are.
Take a moment to consider that they are being themselves. You may not always like what they have to say or what they do but could you possibly love them for who they are.
Love is always available to us. Always.
Love is a feeling and feelings are things we are able to create in ourselves.
No one else gets the benefit of it. It won’t magically transfer from you to them. The way someone can’t literally feel your anger they can’t literally feel your love.
So why not choose love?
You don’t ever have to voice it. You don’t have to tell the other person.
But for yourself you can feel love and know that they are doing the best that they can in that moment.
Isn’t that a different feeling than thinking that person needs to be better and feeling disappointment or anger?
Final Note –
Holidays can be tough. It isn’t all that the marketing commercials crack it up to be.
If yours look different know it is normal.
The people around you should be those that you want to be. You aren’t under any obligation to spend time with anyone. You get to choose what you want to do.
Find the commonalities with the people you find the most difficult. Acknowledge that they are doing the best they can at the moment and find love for them for being who they are.
Not everyone will fit into the nice little package we thought they would. You may have envisioned wine filled evenings with your sister in law but got something totally different. What if what you have now is even better?
Think of what you can learn from these people this holiday season. Nothing changes about you and it doesn’t mean anything about you no matter what they do or say.
Enjoy your holidays, sending you the warmest wishes!