Sit back for a minute and picture your perfect relationship.
The perfect relationship has the perfect partner. They know what special things to do for you every day. They want to do the things that you like – watch HGTV, go to wineries, take walks on the beach. There are dinners at home and fancy restaurants filled with meaningful conversation. All of this leads to you feeling connected, loved, admired, (insert the feeling you are seeking here).
Feelings
When we seek our partners to do certain actions what we are seeking is the feeling that it will create. A hug, a kiss, cooking dinner, bringing you flowers, watching your favorite tv show. Each action brings about feelings for you – love, appreciation, admiration, connected, admired, special.
The absence of those actions makes us feel sad, disappointed, disconnected, upset, let down.
By creating these scenarios in your head you are setting yourself up for disappointment. When I asked you to picture your perfect relationship did you have snapshots of what that would be in your mind? You may not have even been aware those were there.
Subconsciously we create a story for our lives that we want our real life to measure up to. When your partner doesn’t react how you want them to you start feeling differently about them.
When they don’t fulfill what you think you need to feel connected to them you start feeling lonely and disconnected.
Change
It doesn’t have to stay this way. You can change it by changing how you look at it or even by addressing it with your partner in a conversation.
What you should not do is use the phrases it makes me feel, you make me feel, you should, we should, you need to, you have to. Catching onto a them here? This conversation would not be to place blame on anyone. It would be to let your partner know you would like to spend more time together.
Always remember that any request you make of your partner is just that, a request. They are not obligated to fulfill that for you. They get to make their own choices.
What do you do when they don’t want to give up what they are doing?
Your partner comes home and puts on the sports channel. Even when you are in the room their attention never comes off of the tv. You may have thoughts like, he doesn’t care about me, we never spend time together, or I’m all alone.
Or you can go sit in the room with him and read, use your laptop or phone, or another activity. His attention will stay on the tv because that is what he is choosing to do. You have thoughts of its nice to be in the same space doing things individually that we enjoy or I love being in the same space as my partner.
This situation has the opportunity for a conversation to be had about him watching tv when he gets home. An agreement could be made that the first hour and half after he comes home, he will watch tv. Then you can come together to talk or for an activity.
It’s all about you
You can give you everything you need.
You don’t need anything outside of you to create any feelings for you. You get to create those for you.
When you rely on someone else to make you feel connected and loved then they have the power.
Your feelings are your responsibility.
Want to chat about feeling lonely in your relationship or another issue, set up a free consult here to see if it would be a good fit to work together.
