The past has a way of sneaking into our relationships and wreaking havoc.
When a fight erupts in your relationship do you start pulling out that thing, the thing he did two months or years ago?
The fight may have started about clothes being left on the floor or who’s doing the dishes but then turns into airing out every single thing you have each done in the past.
Forgetting birthdays or anniversaries.
He never takes out the trash.
Spending money on a stupid game when the money could have paid off debt or fixed something in the house.
The leaky faucet that didn’t get fixed for five months.
Your ready for kids or engagement and he is not.
You probably have an arsenal ready for when the battle happens.
But nothing will hinder your relationship more than hanging onto the past.
For one there is nothing you can do about the past. It has happened and was supposed to happen that way because it did happen that way.
He will not be able to go back to last year and give you a great birthday. It isn’t going to happen.
What are you hoping to get out of bring up the past?
You know there is nothing he can do to change what has happened. So, what is your motive behind bringing it up in a fight or any other time?
You want him to feel bad. You want him to feel the hurt that you felt at that time.
Most of the fights we have with our significant other aren’t about what the fight started with. Its about the other things we are hanging onto in our past.
5 Ways the past is destroying your relationship
1. Holding On Tight
When you keep a hold on the past that is what is occupying your mind. You won’t have the space in your mind to connect with your partner.
That past event – the birthday he forgot – will be a dark cloud hanging over your relationship. With a slight change in the atmosphere that cloud will open up and rain down. Let the cloud float away. It really isn’t benefitting you.
It’s time to let it go
Nothing about holding onto the past is benefiting you. Whether that past was good or bad.
We will hold onto things from past relationships and take it out on our current partner. Or we have had amazing experiences in a relationship from before and we’re measuring how good the current relationship is against it.
Let it all go. Be present with the now and with this relationship. Place your energy here, there are sunny days to be had.
2. You are the victim
Is there a victim and a villain in your relationship?
When everything is happening to you, you are in victim mode.
He made you upset.
Why did he do that to you?
He keeps hurting you.
These are all victim mindsets. Thoughts such as these will keep you in a powerless situation. Victims don’t have control over what is happening. When the truth is you aren’t falling prey to him but to yourself.
Take back the control
No one can make you feel a certain way. It is not possible. You create all the feelings that you have by the way you think about it.
When you take that responsibility back you now have the power to make it mean what will serve you. Its not always easy to take responsibility of our own emotions and you may not even think its possible. It is possible and it is worth it.
If you want help with holding the power of your emotions schedule your free mini session with me.
3. It’s part of your story
How do you tell the story of your relationship?
Often when we hold onto the past it becomes part of the story we tell ourselves and others. It may be as simple as saying that there was a dark part of our relationship but we’ve moved past it. Can you think of a benefit to keeping that?
You both know what you went through. It isn’t what you are still going through. You don’t need a constant reminder that it happened. When we keep telling something over and over again it makes that much harder to move past it.
Rewrite the story
You get to choose what you tell yourself and others about your relationship.
When you are focusing on the dark and the bad you will create more of the dark and the bad. Or you can tell yourself a story of love and light. Those stories aren’t always filled with all good, there of course will be some bad. However, wouldn’t it be nicer to have more good parts and focus on those intentionally?
4. You’re forgiving but not forgetting
Do you forgive but not forget?
Like keeping it part of your story there isn’t value to not forgetting it. Your mind space and energy is pretty used up. There is a lot to focus on in the day.
Using the limited space and use to keep track of something that happened in the past is preventing you from using your mind to its fullest capabilities for the present. Remember that you can’t change the past.
Forget it
You need to let it go if you have already talked about it whether that was actually with your partner or processing it by yourself. Once it has been addressed its over. Its complete.
Free your mind to work on the future and to create a better now.
5. Ignoring It
There is something that you are holding onto from the past that your partner doesn’t even know about. You are causing yourself pain and suffering over something that you didn’t address and wanted to ignore.
But, when that fight happens you start bringing in these feelings from that past event. It fuels the fight. When you ignore it and comes part of the past there is a good chance it sticks around somewhere in the back of your mind.
Resisting something gives it more power.
Talk about it
There is nothing that prevents you from bringing something up to your partner that happened in the past. BUT, when you do so there should be no expectation to how they respond to it. The reason to talk about it and voice that you did not like it so it no longer is taking part of your mind.
Before you talk about it with your partner really assess what happened and the way you are looking at it. Is there merit to why you are thinking that way. There very well could be and you don’t want to change anything. Sometimes though there is a small change in the way you view whatever happened that will solve it without it going any further.
Final Thoughts –
Relationships just get harder when you start bringing the past along with you.
That can be easier said than done but it is a skill you can learn.
Schedule a mini session to get more help on keeping the past from destroying your relationship.
