My fiancé and I just hit our 10-year anniversary together. It is crazy to think about us being together for an entire decade!
We met our senior year in high school in accounting class. Him and his best friend were struggling with the material a bit. In my angsty teenage ways I corrected them so I didn’t have to keep hearing them do it wrong. Listen high school was not the high point of my life.
Since that day we have done so much in our lives – we worked in the same restaurant and majored in the same subject for our associates degree, moved out right after high school graduation, moved like a gazillion times (4 apartments and 3 houses), changed careers and all of the little moments in between.
Throughout those 10 years there has been ups and downs but the constant has always been us together. Our relationship has not always been easy and we are always still working on it. But I want to share with you what I have learned in those 10 years.
Others Don’t Decide Your Relationship
Starting in the beginning we constantly had people telling us how our relationship would end up.
Our accounting teacher was so against young love and told us it wasn’t worth our time and we would never end up together. (She was a little jaded from a college breakup). Friends and family told us we needed to go our separate ways for college.
None of that ever decided what our relationship grew to be.
Everyone has their own thoughts and advice they freely give. You don’t have to believe any of it or make it mean anything.
I never once gave any of those statements a meaning. My standard response was a shrug of my shoulders and a “we’ll see”. Letting those people be wrong is the best thing you can do.
What I often saw around me was couples trying to prove those people wrong or taking what they said to heart and letting their relationship be affected. Don’t let anyone else’s thoughts or opinions decide your relationship.
Locking It In
After 10 years you get asked a lot about when are you going to get married.
Society has this idea that commitment looks like this progression of being together, getting engaged, and then married. Now you’re locked in.
But the reality is that each and every day you have a choice to recommit to the relationship. Even if we were married there is no final locking in. I choose every day that I want to be in this relationship just as he has the same choice.
There is always the option of leaving. ALWAYS.
When you start thinking that you have no more choices and that this is it forever it can feel suffocating and the questions start coming up. Compared to knowing that you and them have a choice to be there every day feels much different.
It’s a constant choice to be recommitted. No one is locked in.
Your Story Can Be Different
Your relationship doesn’t have to follow anyone else’s timeline or what they think the story should look like. You get to decide what that is and you don’t owe anyone any explanation.
Other people will let you know that after 10 years if they weren’t married, they would be gone. That is great that they know what they want in their relationship. But it doesn’t mean a thing about mine. I also don’t feel the need to give a response that justifies why we aren’t married yet.
In reality your relationship probably won’t look like most of the ones you see in movies or the ones love stories are written about. But, that’s just because you are writing the greatest love story right now.
Compromise isn’t what you think
We know compromise as both people in the situation getting a little bit of what they want while giving a little bit up.
In reality compromise is sometimes one person getting entirely what they want at times and you getting entirely what you want at times. It’s important to communicate in these moments because it is easy for resentment to build.
A relationship isn’t a competition to see who can get more of what they want. It’s a way to build a life with someone that fits you both.
My fiancé and I live in Connecticut. I did not want to stay in this state but he chose a career path that staying in the area was really beneficial for. So, while it wasn’t my dream to live here, I stayed here to support his career. Now he’s changed careers and we aren’t tied to Connecticut. Now we have a plan to move to somewhere that I want to go.
Make the decision to support your significant other and compromise for them in a very clean way. When you think of it as you aren’t getting what you want and are giving a ton up and that isn’t fair then you aren’t going to feel good about it.
Boundaries
Boundaries are good only when they aren’t used as a way to control another person.
You can make requests of the other person in your relationship but they have their own agency on whether or not that happens.
If, you have a list of things that you require the other person to do for the sake of you being happy what you have is a manual. One that you probably haven’t shared with the other person but still expect them to follow.
You are responsible for your own happiness and how you want to react in situations.
For example, you can request that they don’t yell at you when they are upset but state if they do yell you are going to leave and take some time apart. You don’t tell them they can’t yell because you can’t control them. But you do control your response. They are now aware of what you will do in that situation.
There is a difference between a boundary and trying to control someone. If, they don’t take out the trash you won’t give or do something for them. That is not a boundary. Boundaries are for your own physical and mental wellbeing. Be careful with the way you use them.
You Don’t Have to Agree on Everything
You don’t have to have the same views as your significant other.
My fiancé and I are not similar in a lot of ways and have differing opinions. This isn’t a problem unless you make it a problem. We can both respect each other and not expect the other to conform.
Now clearly there are some things you need to be on the same page about and you may want your fundamental morals and values to align. But you can disagree on things and still live together.
The key is to find the connection on where you can agree or understand where the other person is coming from.
Get all of the dogs
We just brought home our 5th dog. We love dogs and we love having them. Other people think we are crazy but this is what we enjoy.
We spend time together with them and have been able to raise them together.
So whatever dogs are to you in your relationship, do that! No one else ahs to get it.
Expectations will kill the relationship
Expectations are what you think should happen in your relationship. You have this movie of it that you can play in your head that would be utterly perfect. So, doesn’t your partner and they may not align. Expectations without communication will lead to a disappointment.
Valentine’s Day is a great example. You expect a certain amount of effort and certain things on that day. But, have you even let your significant other know what that is? Letting your emotions be decided on what happens is not taking responsibility for yourself. Communicate what you would like knowing they may not do it.
You can also always change what your expectations are and how you think about a situation.
Nothing ever comes out perfect. Love the moments you have and don’t try to make them live up to your expectations.
They are just trying to help
There are moments that seem frustrating and that your significant other is saying all of the wrong things. You don’t feel supported in that moment. When in reality most of the time they are just trying to help in the way that they know how.
When you look at things from only your perception you will miss a whole lot. Take a moment to see where they may be coming from and how what they are saying could be true.
My fiancé questioning my business isn’t to try and discourage me from doing it but to make sure I spend my time doing something I really love and am successful at it. He doesn’t always say it in the way I would want but he has the right meaning behind it.
Final Note –
Each relationship is going to follow its own path. Don’t let outside influences decide how you show up in your relationship. It is a journey that you learn along the way. Take responsibility for your feelings – don’t rely on what they do to make you happy and feel loved. And remember that they are doing the best that they can in this moment.