I just need more self-control.
A statement said when people are trying to…
- To lose weight and not eat the food.
- Not drink as much alcohol.
- Spend less time binge watching Netflix and Hulu.
- Not scroll Instagram or Tiktok for hours on end.
- Stop impulse buying things online.
We think of self-control as the thing that will get us to our goals.
But what we miss is what self-control actually is.
What it is…
The definition of self-control is, the ability to control oneself, in particular one’s emotions and desires or the expression of them in one’s behavior, especially in difficult situations.
If you’re new around here this is what we talk about all the time.
Managing your emotions is the key to anything you want in life. The reason for that is because your emotions are the creators of your actions. Everything you have in this moment was created by you.
You had a thought which created a feeling and that drove your action giving you what you have.
So, when we don’t actively manage our thoughts and emotions, they go a little haywire.
Emotion Overload
A common thing for people to think is that there is something wrong with them when they aren’t showing a lot of self-control.
This happens a lot when people talk about emotional eating or instead of being productive hunkering down on the couch.
There is no such thing as too many emotions. But there is such a thing as unmanaged emotions.
The difference is that when you have an emotion you can do three things.
- Resist
- React
- Process
Resisting is when you try to push the feeling away or pretend it’s not even there. This doesn’t work it will only make the emotion grow stronger until you have to deal with it. There is a cause for the emotion so unless we get to that and make the change it will come around again.
Reacting is the more obvious thing that happens with our emotions. Reacting is experiencing something like anger and shouting and yelling things. The difference between a reaction and something that is helpful in processing the emotion is the way it feels and the amount of control you have. Reacting is giving the emotion control and letting it take over completely.
Processing is the goal with emotions. It’s acknowledging the feeling and where you are feeling it and allowing its presence without pushing it away and without letting it completely take you over. There isn’t a certain amount of time that it will stay but it won’t be forever. When it is ready it will pass. There’s no rush to have it gone.
Emotions are vibrations in our body. They can’t hurt you until you give it the power to. They aren’t something to fear. And you can see from what we have talked about to this point are a huge part of getting to where you want to go.
How to show Self-Control
Self-control is managing your emotions in its simplest definition.
Before we dive into how to show self-control let’s get some of the misconceptions out of the way.
It is not true that you are either someone who has self-control of doesn’t. Self-control is something that can learned and strengthened over time.
It is not using sheer willpower to do or not do something. Trying to override what is happening in your brain with sheer will and no mind management is never the long-term solution.
It is also not true that self-control has to take forever to get and the process is terrible and not fun at all. Self-control can be learned quickly and painlessly. There is never a need to suffer and you don’t have to when you know to do it the right way.
Steps to Self-Control
- Awareness
Awareness is the first step in anything you are doing. It’s kind of like the discovery phase of a project. You have to gather all of the information about where you are before you can move on.
When it comes to self-control that means you are looking at the thoughts and feelings you have around the thing you are trying to do or not do. It is important to uncover those because without them no change can be made.
- Understand why
The brain is a funny place. It is such a great tool and does some amazing things for us. And then it also does some things that it thinks are helpful but actually makes things more difficult.
It’s not a coincidence that you often have urges to want to do the easier thing. Like sitting and watching Netflix rather than going to get things done. This is because the brain is wired to preserve your energy. It thinks that its doing you a favor by encouraging the task that uses the least amount of energy.
What it is missing is that in the long run doing that easier thing has a more negative effect than something that brings you closer to your goal.
Impulse shopping is quick hit of dopamine. It feels good. The brain likes to feel good so it encourages those quick fixes even if it causes you stress from the bills at the end of the month or takes away from your savings account.
See how you have to be on to your brain and the way it functions? We have all of this preprogramming based on prehistoric times. Things that kept us alive then don’t serve us as much as they do now.
- Find a neutral or more serving thought
Once you are aware of the thoughts and feeling you are having and why your brain guides you there then you can start making the changes you want to see.
The mistake people make at this step is trying to jump from where they are to loving whatever it is you are trying to do. But you don’t truly believe that. Because if you did then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
You have to meet yourself where you are and use thoughts that your brain actually believes. You can incrementally get to that loving place but trying to jump there right away isn’t the best idea.
Final Notes –
You are not broken and you don’t need to be fixed if you are struggling with self-control.
You are on your journey of growing that skill in your life from a place of understanding and compassion for yourself. Using the understanding you have of your brain and helping it go from where you are to something that serves you more.
There isn’t a magic wand you can use to magically have what you want. But using thought and emotion management is pretty close.
If you want to learn more about how you can do this send me an email at melissa@melissagolas.com.