Do you know the truth about judging and being judged?
Stop judging people, I’m not judging you, judgment free zone.
All phrases I bet you have heard recently. In today’s world we are taught that people can live their lives and we shouldn’t judge them. You in fact will be very judged for judging other people.
I take the stance that you should challenge and question everything. Why shouldn’t you judge other people?
There is this belief that by judging someone you hurt their feelings. However, that is not true. Anything you do does not make someone feel something. The way that person feels is completely their responsibility based on what they are thinking. The same is true for you. What you are feeling is entirely based on your own thinking.
If, responsibility of your thoughts is new to you, read more here.
What does it mean to judge?
To judge is to have an opinion about something. It is simply that there is something and you have a thought and opinion about that thing.
In and of it itself judging is pretty harmless when you break it down to its definition. Having a judgment is having an opinion.
What do you make it mean to judge or be judged?
The basic definition of being judged is simple and harmless. Having an opinion or thought about something. Yet, judging have a bad wrap and the reason for that is what we make judging and being judged mean beyond its definition.
Instead of looking at someone saying they don’t like your outfit, the shirt is too low cut and revealing, as just their opinion you make it mean they are attacking your character and that now they have said that you are tainted. All that person did was say a statement about your shirt. Too revealing is not fact, define too revealing. There is no such meter that you can hold a shirt up to and say oh where does this fall on a revealing scale that everyone would agree on.
The way something is described is subjective. Another person could look at that same shirt and say that its way too modest for them. The shirt didn’t change. You didn’t change. The thoughts someone had about those things is what has changed.
Other people have agency
People have agency, meaning that as adults they get to do and say whatever they want. That does not mean there won’t be consequences to those actions but they get to decide whether they do them or not.
Understanding this, truly understanding, that people have complete agency allows you to step back and know that you cannot control what someone thinks or says about you. It is a losing battle and one that will drive you mad. Trying to control what people think and say about you is never going to work.
This also means that you have agency. You get to think, say, and do anything you choose to. People cannot control you.
How to deal with judging:
Prepare –
Prepare for times when people may judge you or you judge others. Decide who you want to be in that moment.
There are people that are more vocal about their opinions than others. Whether that’s your Aunt Nancy who always has something to say about how your makeup is done and what you are doing in your life or the girl that the friend group brings around that is all about the latest trends and lets you know that you aren’t keeping up.
Those are times you can prepare for that to come up. When you can be prepared for these situations what people say about you will make mean nothing but that person has their opinions and they get to have them.
Change the meaning –
Creating the feeling of being hurt by their words is not useful. If, someone is judging you and you do want to change that about yourself that is okay. What you will want to do is find an emotion that will help you change it. Utilizing hurt or a similar emotion generally will not motivate you to create the action necessary to change.
On the other side if you don’t want to change what that person is judging then don’t make their words mean anything. You can know that they have their own opinion and it means nothing about you. They are just confused or don’t know about you.
Have your own back –
Remember that you have agency and get to decide what your thoughts and opinions you have just as much as anyone else. You are not obligated to change those to meet someone else’s narrative. When you do go to change your stance or thoughts about something take a look at why you are doing it. Is that a good reason to you?
When other people are judging you is the time you need to have your own back. When a whole group of people has the same judgment, it can be tougher to maintain your stance. There is a reason you are doing what you have done. Look at a career choice, an obvious example is when family expects someone to be a doctor or lawyer and they choose to be an artist.
Keeping true to why you want to be an artist and making the fact that the family judges that and does not support it means nothing about you can be hard. Know your whys and support yourself in those whys.
Final Thoughts –
Judging is harmless, our thoughts are where the pain and suffering are coming from. Taking control over your mind is what will allow you to not make what people say about you mean much more than it needs to. There is no reason to suffer because of what someone says to you.
People are always going to have thoughts and opinions. There are going to be people that will not filter what they say to you. None of that has to be a problem. You can be prepared, know who you are, and still live authentically to yourself.
Need help with dealing with judgment? Set up a mini session here.